Friday, March 2, 2012

The Key is Greenland

We were having a causal conversation at work about our plans for world domination (much like one discusses their plans in a zombie outbreak) and I came to the conclusion that Greenland really is the key to the whole plot.

First, what do we know about Greenland (without looking at Google or Wikipedia)? Here is what I know:
  • It has more Ice than Iceland and Iceland is more green than Greenland
  • When flights to and from Europe to the US first started, it was safer to fly over it than the ocean.
  • In Max Brooks' "World War Z," it is still a zombie hot spot.
  • It is where you get sent if you know too much about the Middleman organization.
  • ...and...umm...

Really, that is all I know about Greenland. I surveyed others and pretty much no one knew too much else. Some of them even confused it with Iceland. I have no idea if the country is divided into states or Providences. I can't name a city from it. I don't know what language they speak. I have no idea if they played any part at all in any war ever.

I think there is some kind of magical power there that makes everyone look to either side of it. No one pays any attention to it. What a perfect place to launch an invasion!

It is a great strategic place. The closest country is Canada ('nuff said) and yet you could easily launch attacks to the US, Europe and Russia from the cold comfort of your ice tundra.

You can slowly amass troops there. You can train the locals at first and then bring people in. It would be easy to spot spies once you cataloged the population because who goes to Greenland intentionally? Oh AND AND AND you could totally raise a polar bear army. Give them something to do. Who is a) going to want to fight polar bears if they invade or b) want to launch weapons at them? There is no way to have a popular war if the images of dead polar bears are on the news every night. If you play it right, you could have Coca-Cola as a sponsor for the war.

With global warming, it is going to be prime real estate. The whole country won't be ice forever. Shipping lanes will open up and then you can slowly launch the first wave of the attack - ICE PIRATES! You won't even need guns. You just need to train your narwhal army to swim alongside and threaten to feed them to them or just impale them on their horns. Who on god's green earth is going to want to go up against a whale with a horn? Seriously. Here there be monsters indeed.

Even if you don't take over the whole world, you could easily over throw the country and rule as you see fit. Not to mention most of the parts of Canada up there. Who would notice? You would have your polar bears and narwhals to patrol and maybe if you are really lucky, defrost some cavemen and raise them to fight for you. You can show them fire and pants and they will follow you as their benevolent leader. Cracking skulls and directing the polar bears to attack.

In conclusion, after I wrote this I Googled plane tickets to Greenland and came across this:

"Immigration and border formalities on entering Greenland tend to be very low key. Questioning is minimal and except at Kangerlussuaq, which has a traditional passport control desk, border staff will either meet your plane on the tarmac or may simply give an all clear to disembark. Airlines send passenger manifests ahead of time to immigration and if there are no concerns, they won't always send somebody - especially at smaller airports. If you need your passport stamped (i.e. for a residence permit) you may need to seek out border staff yourself or get in touch with Greenland Homerule to obtain the stamp."

This invasion will be even easier than I thought. Bring on my polar bear army! I desire a Coke!

1 comment:

E said...

Do you want to go back to where I found you? Unemployed? In Greenland!