Sleeper Couch Seeks Love and Attention

I have hung on to my sleeper couch for a long time now and I am finally ready to get rid of it and use the cash toward to move. I decided to sell it on Craigslist.com, but I didn't want to place a boring old ad that would get overlooked. Below is the ad I placed:

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Hi! I am a couch that converts into a bed looking for a new place to live. My current owner has dumped me for a newer younger model despite my years of devotion to them. I hope a spring pops them in the…well, sorry. I’m just bitter and hoping that someone more appreciative wants me.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I’m black and brown and have three cushions with matching pillows. My measurements are 88” long x 30” tall x 36” deep (my mattress is 6ft. long and 5ft. wide) in case you’re into looks. I have a little wear and tear, but nothing too noticeable or unfixable. I’m sure if those lazy owners of mine actually learned to sew I’d be as good as new.

I think I’m worth millions of dollars, but those creeps are selling me for $200 or best offer. Not only that, but you’d need to come get me.

I’ve included a pic of me and me in all my glory. I’m so ashamed having to pimp myself out like this, but I really need to get out of this place. That new couch is such a priss. Called me a scruffy nerf herder and everything.

Help save me from this life! You are my only hope!

Email my owners if interested, the heartless humans that they are.